Dirty Bombs

overcoming fear of the blank page

There’s nothing worse than walking into a toilet and finding pee on the seat. Or so I thought until Thursday.
A friend walked into the toilets at her work and discovered not one, but two poo pellets on the seat.
I have a number of questions about this.

  1. How do you manage to poo on the toilet seat?
  2. How does that poo end up all the way up the back of the seat?
  3. Finally, how do you not notice the poo on the seat and then CLEAN IT THE HELL UP?

My friend, being a fellow Toiletiquette Fiend, gathered a large wad of paper and cleaned up the offence. It’s a strange day for humanity when one healthy adult has to clean up the poo of another healthy adult.

I really do find it incredible that people are terrified of their own effluence. Once their waste has exited their body they completely dissociate themselves from it. “No, this is not mine, this was never mine. This mess has nothing whatever to do with me,” and out they walk as though nothing has happenned. I probably wouldn’t find this so mind-boggling except that these same people seem to be perfectly happy to have OTHER people, complete strangers, touch their poo. Surely that’s a fetish.

Back when I lived in a hostel, the plumber had to come round once every 6 weeks to unblock the sewage. There are some women who can’t bear the idea of wrapping up their dirty tampon and putting it in the bin. They would rather drop it straight into the toilet and pretend that it didn’t happen. They would much prefer it if a strange man would come around, gather up all their dirty tampons and put them in the bin for them. What an odd, odd world.

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Nat Newman - portrait

Nat Newman

Nat Newman is an award-winning writer of short stories, content, podcasts, feature articles, drunk text messages and, soon, a novella.


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